Prince William County Board agree to make entire PWC just one big data center.

”We’ve heard enough” said Chair-At-Large, Deshundra Jefferson, “and we’re sick of it.”

After years of laughably listening to residents object to every proposed lot, the Board of Supervisors has officially snapped and voted unanimously 8–0 Tuesday night to convert the entire county into one massive, humming, blinking, heat-spitting, energy draining data center. “We are finally giving residents something real to complain about,” says county executive Christopher Shorter. (Sips coffee) aaaahhh.

“We considered the public’s concerns,” Deshundra said while approving the 900-page rezoning packet she printed on a Digital Realty branded letterhead. “And after much reflection, we decided we’re tired. Just… tired. So now everything is a data center mmk?! Your house is a data center. Your dog park? Data center. Bob & Edith’s Diner? You bet your sweet ass it’s a data center! Schools? Children will learn STEM by being the STEM.”

The county’s new plan—“PWC Cloudscape 2040”—promises to transform all 348 square miles into a sleek, buzzing hyperscale complex. The design includes a 60-foot cooling tower shaped like Splashdown and Waterworks, Jiffy Lube Live sponsored server racks, and a scenic Occoquan overlook where visitors can gaze upon a shimmering field of backup generators stretching from Madigan’s to the horizon.

Residents, who have historically complained within visual, auditory, emotional, or theoretical distance to a data center, were quick to respond.

“This is exactly what I was afraid of,” said longtime resident Deborah Stevens, who was the first to file an official complaint, “but maybe we can balance it out with a Disney battlefield theme park”

County officials defended the plan by reminding the public that tax revenue from data centers is “really, really good,” according to their official PowerPoint slide, which featured a clip-art money bag and the phrase “LET US COOK.”

Local developers have already begun marketing the region as “Silicon Valley East, But Flatter.” Ex chair Ann Wheeler chimed in since she helped propagate the first round of windowless buildings on University Blvd. “Think of the power cables as rustic industrial vines. The white noise from cooling fans also creates a soothing womb-like environment.”

The board emphasized that the transformation will be gradual. Phase 1 begins next month, when every resident will receive a small sticker reading “This Property Reserved For Server Expansion.” Phase 2 involves replacing all trees with fiber lines, “painted green for morale.”

Despite backlash, county supervisors remain confident in their decision.

“For years, citizens complained that data centers were ruining the Rural Crescent,” said one board member while signing a commemorative bulldozer. “Well, now the Rural Crescent is a data center. Problem solved.”

At press time, the board was reportedly discussing the next community initiative: turning the beloved Prince William County Fair into “AWS re:Invent East Coast,” complete with XFinity Fiber powered Ferris wheels and funnel cakes that taste vaguely of diesel.

When asked what residents should expect going forward, officials offered a simple reassurance:

“Look, you wanted us to listen. We listened. We just didn’t like what we heard.”